10 Funny Secrets Every Woman Should Know Before Having a Baby

Ah, kids! Those little bundles of joy that bring you happiness at no costs, the delightful treasures that we all need in our lives! Although most of what I said is true and having a baby is one of the most amazing things in the world, it’s not all that simple. On the contrary – and trust me when I say it: you’re probably not ready. Or if you are indeed ready, you lucky girl, you, you certainly don’t know what to expect. Because mothers-to-be are not told these secrets that every woman should know before deciding to have a baby.

But we’re here to help you get the bigger picture – with a focus on the lows, because the highs are definitely there and they are undeniable (making it all worth it!). But the lows? Well, here they are as 10 secrets that you should know before having a baby:

1. You will never feel well-rested again

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You might have heard this, but you can’t really understand it until you have a baby. Sleep? That’s something you’ll never get the chance to enjoy as you did in the past – at least not after your baby’s born. During the first months, it will be like a roller coaster of no sleep at all and just a bit of sleep, but expect that to last at least a few years. Prepare to wake up often, stay up a lot, feel tired… but you will manage to get on with your daily chores even with only 4 interrupted hours per night. And, believe it or not, it’s all worth it, when you snuggle your baby in your arms and nurse him to sleep. THAT is priceless!

2. Babies are gross

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Fortunately, they’re insanely cute and funny most of the times. But when they’re gross, they really mean business! You’re probably expecting poops, pees, vomit, farts and snot, but it’s not just that: think explosive poop that stains two layers of clothes and climbs up the baby’s back all the way to her hair. JUST after you bathed your baby. That if you’re lucky enough and they don’t take a poop in the tub. Yay!

3. You will be embarrassed

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A baby’s farts are sometimes funny, except for when you’re in a completely silent, crowded room and she starts farting like an adult, in her sleep, so everyone will give you the eye. My 20 months old son farted when I was in line at the store the other day and then started yelling “farts, excuse me, farts, excuse me!” with complete joy because he was polite. It was cute, I give you that, but nobody loves to hear the word that often. Oh, and that’s not the only word he’ll keep saying to embarrass you: remember the foul word that your third cousin managed to teach her? Yup, your baby will say it over and over again like it’s the only word in the world. And who’s to blame? The mother, the bad mother, of course!

4. You won’t go out anymore

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Except shopping for the baby. But if you were a party girl, you won’t be anymore! And it’s not because of lack of time or because you don’t have a baby-sitter (although these count too), it’s because you won’t enjoy it like you used to. You will think about your baby staying home, all alone (the baby sitter does not count) and requiring your unconditional love. The truth is that even though they are fine, you will still worry. You’re the mother and you won’t enjoy anything else unless your baby’s with you!

5. You won’t have privacy anymore

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Not in the bathroom, not while on the toilet, not when you’re changing your clothes, not in the bedroom, nowhere. They won’t allow you to. And they have this weird superpower that makes them know when you are alone, enjoying your time, whatever you are doing: they will hunt you, find you and be there needing your attention.

6. You will get peed on

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It doesn’t matter if you’re careful to place a napkin over the danger area when changing their clothes, nothing really matters: sooner or later, you will get peed on. If you’ll have a boy, you’re at greater risk, but no mother is safe. And it seems that they have a personal goal to aim it straight into your mouth. And after they do it, they just want to see if they can do it again. And again. And again.

7. You will lose your favorite things

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Remember that favorite blouse of yours? Kiss it goodbye because it will be gone, eventually. Babies spit, vomit and do really bad stuff with all the things you love. Draw on them, throw food on them, “clean” them themselves with scissors to remove the stains or simply break them somehow. It’s like they are mobsters and want to send a message: “You are only allowed to like me!”

8. You will be hurt. A LOT

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Babies will walk all over you, sit on your face, step on your toes, kick you while they sleep, bite you while they nurse and so on. And they can say hurtful things too. Like NO! You don’t get how that can hurt? Just think of him answering question like “Can I get a kiss?”, ”I love you, do you love me?” or “Can you please get out of the bathroom and let me pee?”.

9. You will learn all the songs for kids

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…and listen to them for a million times in a row. It’s even worse that they seem to enjoy the most exactly those songs that you hate with every cell of your body and they can get really upset if you don’t play them. Over and over and over again. And eventually, you’ll end up humming and singing those annoying songs throughout the day, wherever you are. Now repeat after me: “Pat a cake, pat a cake, baker’s man.” And again!

10. You will never have a clean house again

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Kids are messy and they make it impossible for you to have a clean house. If you gather his toys, by the time you are done vacuuming the room, he’ll get them right back on the floor. He will drop sticky food on the floor and then try to clean it out (with your favorite blouse at #7). Clean walls? Yes, as long as you consider drawings and hand prints clean. And food! Babies have mysterious ways to get food everywhere.

But regardless of all this, it is ALL worth it! The smiles, the fun you two will have, the little kisses they’ll give you without you asking, the hugs and snuggles, the times they will only settle for you and no one else, all the great times will make you feel special, loved and this is the best feeling in the world making it all worth it!

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